"Stupid" Things Theatre-Nerds Say

Hannah Ost

We love us. You know we love us and I know you know we love us. But aren’t we annoying sometimes?

Scene One: They’ll have it on YouTube

Friend: *takes phone out to take a picture of stage*

Theatre Nerd: OMG. ARE YOU FILMING THE PERFORMANCE?

Friend: I –

Theatre Nerd: I WILL REPORT YOU TO THE LAWS OF THE STAGE. YOU ARE A DISGRACE AGAINST MANKIND. AGAINST THEATRE. AGAINST LIFE.

Friend:……

Theatre Nerd: Don’t even talk to me. I can’t deal with you right now.

*5 hours later*

Theatre Nerd: Oh no, I never got to see Hedwig before it closed… I’m sure they’ll have it on YouTube.

Scene Two: Not in a musical

Theatre Nerd: Oh my god.

Friend: What?

Theatre Nerd: They’re making a movie musical of ‘Wicked’.

Friend: That’s great!

Theatre Nerd: WHAT?!

Friend: I said that’s great, you love W-

Theatre Nerd: NOT AS A MOVIE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Oh. Great. Harry Styles is rumoured as Fiyero.

Friend: You lo-

Theatre Nerd: NOT IN A MUSICAL

Scene Three: Shopping trip

Friends: Hey, I’m going shopping. Anyone want to come?

*numerous grunts of approval and nods of heads*

Theatre Nerd: Yeah, sounds great…

Oh wait, I already spent all my money on theatre tickets.

Friends: Well, just come along anyway… You don’t have to buy stuff.

Theatre Nerd: I spent my emergency bus money on theatre merch.

Friends: We can walk…

Theatre Nerd: Guys. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I would so much rather sit at home, eating my homemade emerald green cookies, enrobed in theatre t-shirts and Playbills, binge-watching Broadway.com – I’m not sorry.

Scene Four: The Internal Monologue of a Theatre-Nerd Watching ‘Wicked’(Wicked Spoiler ahead)

And I’ll stand there with Idina,

Feeling things I’ve never felt,

She’s awesome and she knows it,

That mezzo-sop has such a belt!

Oh my god, oh my god you guys.

I can’t even believe she dies.

Way to spoil a musical,

Oh no, wait, really she’s alive?

Oh my god you guys.

Scene Five: Classic One-Liners

“I know all the choreography from this song.”

“No, Kristin Chenoweth was the best Galinda Upland.”

“I could be her.”

“I hope I get it.”

“Why can’t I dance like that?”

“Why can’t I belt like that?”

“Why is there a WOMAN ON HER PHONE IN THE FRONT ROW?”

“Who even pays that kind of money to sit there on their phone?

“Someone get me a signed Hamilton Playbill.”

“Someone get me a Hedwig t-shirt.”

“Get me merch. I will love you.”

“Oh my god, I cried.”

And, the most common one-liner: “You have to see it.”

Photo: Alan Goldstein