The Five Worst People You'll Meet at Auditions

by Chris Peterson, OnStage Blog Founder

Ah, auditions. That magical time when dreams are forged, spirits are broken, and you end up stuck in a church basement next to someone doing vocal trills like they're headlining La Traviata... at 8 a.m. on a Tuesday. Whether you're at an Equity Principal Audition in New York or reading sides in a high school cafeteria for Guys and Dolls Jr., certain characters always show up. And not the good kind.

Here are five of the worst offenders:

1. The “Let Me Just Warm Up Right Here” Person

You know the one. You’re trying to sip your coffee, remember your 16 bars, and not cry, when suddenly, out of nowhere:

“MAAA-MAY-MEE-MO-MOOOOO!!”

This person believes the best place to do a full operatic warm-up is directly in your ear. They’ll vocalize through four octaves, belt a riff-laden “Happy Birthday,” and then practice their monologue with full Shakespearean pathos—in the holding room.

Bonus points if they follow it up with: “Sorry! I’m just a little congested today. I’m never like this.”

You are exactly like this.

2. The “Networking Opportunist”

Auditions are stressful enough without someone trying to network like it’s a mixer. This person will absolutely ask, “So who’s your agent?” They will name-drop shows you’ve never heard of and claim their cousin almost got cast in the Mean Girls tour.

3. The “Why Am I Even Here?” Auditioner

This person will loudly proclaim to everyone that they’re so not right for this show and are totally unprepared because they’ve been SO busy, but they just wanted to “be seen.” They’ll tell the monitor, the accompanist, the director, and probably the janitor that they’re not really a singer but “just wanna try this for fun.”

Then they get in the room and unleash a full-throttle, perfectly rehearsed performance of “Gimme Gimme” that ends with a belt so fierce you lose a contact. We see you, Rachel Berry. We see you.

4. The “Stage Parent In Disguise”

Now this menace lurks mostly at community theatre auditions, but don’t be fooled—they can infiltrate Equity territory too. They’re not auditioning themselves, but their child is—and they will talk over the casting director.

“My daughter can do any role, but she really identifies with Christine in Phantom. She sang it for her preschool graduation.”

They’ll bring a binder thicker than a college thesis, headshots from every angle, and a résumé listing “emotional maturity” as a special skill.

Also, if they don’t get a callback, they will email. And BCC the mayor.

5. The “I Already Have the Part” Energy

This person walks in like they’re contractually obligated to be there. They’ve either played the role before (twice), or knows the director socially (“We did a murder mystery together in ‘09, remember?”), or been “hinted at” for the part.

They’ll saunter in, toss the director a wink, and casually say, “You want the full thing or just the highlights?”

~~~

Look, we’ve all been someone’s worst audition horror story. Maybe you brought a guitar to a Newsies call. Maybe you introduced yourself with “So sorry, I just woke up.” Maybe you were Person #6: me, furiously eating a muffin in the hallway while forgetting the lyrics to “Corner of the Sky.”

But if you recognize yourself in one of the above, consider this a gentle nudge to… maybe don’t.

Break legs out there. But not eardrums. Please.