The Broadway League Announces New Year’s Resolution to Raise Ticket Prices To Record Levels

Editor’s Note: Yes, this is satire.

In a surprise announcement today on New Year’s Day, Jason Laks, the president of the Broadway League, announces that their only resolution is to excel like no other industry at raising ticket prices for all performances in 2025.

“Last year was unacceptable, with average ticket prices for Broadway shows declining by -2%!!!” Laks said animatedly, waving his hands wildly.

Laks continued: “Let me be clear: this is not who we are, and we WILL fix this. We vow to make up for this failure by ensuring ticket prices are up by at least 10% in 2025!” Laks shouted, raising his hands to applause from the press row.

After a brief pause, Laks said: “I want to assure Broadway patrons everywhere that raising prices is something we meet about daily. Our goal is always to be a global beacon in the darkness of affordability. We have fallen off the wagon one too many times with promotions and discounts, and we are working hard to address that. We have let you down, but we WILL turn the page. This is a challenging environment to raise prices the way our customers demand, but we are confident we can find innovative ways to be the best in the world at price gouging. We will not fail you”.

Laks added he remains in close contact with former Broadway League president Charlotte St. Martin, whom he considers a legend for finding ways to make nearly every ticket expensive to the entire world. “She’s a first ballot hall of fame price increaser in my mind. People thought the inflation of groceries in the last few years was high, but her work to inflate Broadway ticket prices in any environment will be studied in textbooks for decades. I am honored to have her help.”

When asked what this resolution means to promotions like “Kids Night on Broadway,” Laks said, “That’s a great question; we did enjoy bilking single parents of 2+ kids to pay for extra tickets they didn’t need to get their kids to a Broadway show, but, we realized in focus groups that kids don’t want free tickets; they want an expensive overpriced ticket that they can cherish and eventually pass down to their descendants. I’m told 65% of kids had a $500 Broadway ticket on their Christmas list! You just can’t put a price on a ticket that costs as much as a monthly car payment.”

Laks paused at this moment, as if building to a big announcement, then continued: “We are pleased to announce we will change the Kids Night on Broadway promotion from “Buy One, Get One Free” to “Buy One, Get One 50% More Expensive,” which will apply to all shows and all tickets for the entire month of April, May, and June. We want to spread the Broadway overpriced magic to tourists AND families alike.”

Laks closed his statement by adding, “The Broadway League would like to thank the theatres for fully endorsing this resolution despite its many challenges. We are committed to rolling up our sleeves, sharpening our pencils, and doing what it takes to make this resolution stick this year, next year, and hopefully for decades to come”.