Which Broadway Quarancut Are You?
The quarantine haircut is a pandemic of its own. Sure COVID-19 has (rightfully so) taken the spotlight and star dressing room over the past few months, but there is a comedic secondary character that deserves some applause as well - The Quarancut.
By now, chances are that most of us have had to suffer through this particular brand of Sweeney Todd torture and its ego-squashing aftereffects. Self-esteem and Selfies have suffered, but we are not alone! If we dive into the deep waters of the musical theatre canon we all know and love, there is a wide range of quarancut doppelgangers existing in plain sight.
Take a look below to find out which Broadway star snatched your quarancut wig.
Moritz Cut (AKA sideburn wars): It all started innocently enough. Your first quarancut was almost over and you were actually kind of impressed that your significant other/roommate/cat didn’t F it up too badly. Kudos to them. Maybe you were even thinking how silly you’d been all those years for paying a professional to do this when you could have just been exploiting your boo. You do your signature mirror stare where you squint your eyes, pout your lips and turn your head ever-so-slightly to the side (if you’re denying you do this, you’re a liar).
John Gallagher, Jr. as Moritz and Jonathan Groff in Spring Awakening. (Photo by Joan Marcus)
Then it happens. “Oh wait, I forgot to clean up your sideburns,” they say. “Honestly I can just do it in the morning. Let’s grab that liter of ice-cream out of the freezer and watch re-runs of The Office for the 14th time,” you respond. “I’ll just take a little off the…” djshhmmm. You’re left sideburn is gone girl. Awkward pause. Or in stage direction lingo (long beat). “I’ll just even it out on the right,” they say. Djshhhm. “Oh no!” Djshm, djshm, djjjjjjjhhm. Before you can say “totally f*cked,” you are just that. “The Guilty One” has you looking like Moritz from Spring Awakening. But unlike Moritz, you DO do sadness. In the form of tears and hoarding the liter of ice-cream all to yourself. This is truly “The Bitch of Living” in the age of Rona.
Catherine of Aragon (aka “what roots?”): This one goes out to all of the brave souls who are letting their roots fly free (under a hermetically sealed thick AF headband with spikes just in case somebody tries it.) Yup. You were a Queen. You had cute twists, or extensions, or braids, or maybe you were blonde. Well, Rona had other plans and your lewk quickly flew by the wayside. So you went on Amazon and found a 12 pack of the thickest spiked headbands you could find and made it fashion. Your hair has never grown this fast, but as murphy’s law would have it, the moment you DON’T want it to grow, it decides to go FULL OUT NO MARKING. “Don’t lose your head” just yet though. Judging by drama of your headband you’ll be good for another week or two.
Jarneia Richard-Noel as Catherine of Aragon in Six on the West End
After that, “No Way!” Those roots will take what they came for: your CROWN… and you’ll be forced to “get down” with an even more dramatic accessory. Bowler hat? Fedora? Bob Mackie headdress? The world is your oyster.
The Beetlejuice (aka Elaine Stritch in the Company documentary): Pre Rona, you sported your signature coif every dang “Day-O.” Yeah, maybe it hadn’t changed in 5-25 years, but that was the beauty of it. Find what works and stick with it, right? You followed your hairdresser, Janet, from salon to salon because you’d rather travel an hour into deep Brooklyn than compromise that wig.
Alex Brightman as Beetlejuice at the 73rd Annual Tony Awards
But here’s the thing, you haven’t had a cut by Janet in at least 4 months and things are getting a little Einsteiny up top. You are trying your best but it’s an uphill battle these days. Either you haven’t let anyone touch it because that would be sacrilege, or you got a bogus quarancut from someone other than Janet and instantly regretted the infidelity. Either way, your white-knuckle grip onto your signature do is turning into a major don’t and you’re starting to feel like you’re giving anyone who sees you “The Fright of Their Lives.” For a routine-junky like you, “The Whole ‘Being Dead’ Thing” is starting to look better and better. Hopefully, this will all be over soon and you can jump on that J train to Janet’s salon.
The Uncle Fester (AKA sick of pin curls): You have had it up to here *hand way above top of head* with having hair when no one is around to see it. This drastic hair decision had been in the back in the back of your mind for a minute… then you saw someone do it on Instagram. Then another minute passed. Then you took a breath, downed a shot of kombucha, and pulled a Brittney circa 2007. “One Normal Night” turned into an epic one and you were “Pulled (in a New Direction)”.
Kevin Chamberlin as Uncle Fester in The Addams Family
You buzzed off the first chunk and knew there was no turning back. We need to “Live before we Die” you sang to yourself (or significant other/roommate/cat). You couldn’t help but feel a little bit like Anne Hathaway in the Les Miz movie and that made you “Happy/Sad.” But despite your second thoughts, it’s kinda grown on you (pun intended). You got some fierce Demi Moore content and freaked your parents out in one fell swoop. If that’s not a win, then what is?
The Elphaba (AKA scared of quarancuts 1-4): Hi Elphabas. You know who you are and honestly, we get it. Many of you were waiting until the warm weather hit to get your summer cut. But that time has come and gone and left you stroking your sweat-soaked locks, humming “As Long As You’re Mine.” Judging by all of the tragic outcomes above, we seriously don’t blame you for your choice to abstain.
Mandy Gonzalez as Elphaba in Wicked
You are just “Dancing Through Life” until you can safely see your hair wizard gain. You’ve seen videos of girls cutting their own bangs and think “I’m not that girl.” Dare we say, you loathe it all. So as you hold your head up high (truly “Defying Gravity”), you count the days until you can visit “Dear Old Shiz” and pay for someone who actually knows what they are doing to make the cut. Ah-ahhh-ahhh-ahhhhhhhhh! *Exits on Swiffer*
Regina George (aka Somehow Still Fetch): “So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?” Against literally all odds, your hair hasn’t changed at all. No one knows how you have continued to look like you are fresh from a Drybar appointment with sun-kissed highlights in the midst of a world-wide pandemic. It literally does not make sense but it feels like a deliberate “Revenge Party” on the rest of us. Maybe it’s good genetics, maybe it’s some miracle leave-in conditioner, or maybe you’ve been fraternizing with an underground hairstylist who you pay in secrets. Whatever the reason is, you are making the rest of us look bad so cut it out (another hair pun).
Taylor Lauderman as Regina George with Nikhil Saboo, Curtis Holland, and Grey Henson in Mean Girls
While your friends Fester and Elphaba are saying things like “These sweatpants are all the fits me right now” and “Whatever. I’m getting cheese fries,” you are a time capsule back to 2019 when times were simpler and much more visually appealing. You have somehow managed to stay “Sexy” in the face of impending global implosion and in all seriousness, you deserve a standing ovation for it. Haters gonna hate, but at the end of the day, you are a beacon of hope for us all. Keep on shining, Regina.