How to Have a Conversation With the Artist in Your Life
The Clemente
We’ve all been there. A family gathering occurs and you’re introduced to someone new. Upon hearing that you’re an actor/writer/director they immediately ask “Where have I seen your work?” You tell them about this critically acclaimed off-Broadway production that you were recently involved with. They stare at you blankly and tell you they recently saw a reality TV star in Chicago and they were fantastic!
You sit down for dinner. The last time the family gathered you were up for a big role and Aunt So-and-So asks in front of everyone “Did you get the part?” To which you reply that you made it to the third callback round, but they ultimately went with someone else. No one understands what you’re talking about and then Grandpa proclaims “I’ve been watching a lot of that show with that famous actor, you know, the one with the mustache…You should work on that show. You should call them!”
And now we’re in the time of COVID-19, the family gatherings have been moved to Zoom, and unmuted Aunt So-and-So says to Uncle Such-and-Such “I don’t know why she can’t just get a real job! Why is that so difficult?”
Our loved ones mean well, but most of them have no idea what we do and how we do it. In their attempt to relate to us they often belittle our efforts and insult our talents and abilities. We often get frustrated and respond in anger and then no one wants to talk to us. So, I offer the following suggestions below. Feel free to share them with those you love.
Also, it’s not just our families, artists do this to each other, so keep them in mind for yourself the next time you’re in a room full of artists and the conversation quickly devolves into a credit competition.
“What have I seen you in?”
I think it’s hard for people outside our industry to understand the sheer volume of content that is created. It’s easy to assume that the mainstream media they are exposed to is all that’s out there. However, it’s likely they are only being exposed to a fraction of what is available, and it’s easy for them to assume that because they haven’t seen it, it’s not relevant. When our work is reduced to what has been seen and unseen, this makes us feel like our work isn’t important or valid. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Also comparing us to a reality star whose only talent is marrying well, when we have spent years studying and honing our craft can be really hurtful and insulting. It’s important to acknowledge that our loved ones don’t mean to imply any of this, and we tend to assign a lot of these intentions and assumptions ourselves. Aside from the work that we can do as emotionally intelligent creative people, here are some questions that could be asked instead:
Tell me about some of the projects you’ve been a part of.
What do you specialize in?
What do you like about the work/that project?
Are you taking any classes right now? (We are ALWAYS taking classes) Tell me about them!
Have you seen anything lately that is exciting or inspiring to you as an artist?
Asking questions like this allows an artist to share their expertise and knowledge instead of putting them on the defensive.
“Did you get the part?”
I don’t think it’s possible to express how much we hate this question. Let me tell you, if I got the part or if I booked the job, I would tell you…in fact, I would probably tell you multiple times.
For actors, going on auditions is a daily occurrence. How many job interviews do non-artists go on in a year? Because actors are averaging about 50 a year. As a writer or director, you’re constantly applying to fellowships and trying to churn out meaningful artistic statements that bare your soul and intention to an anonymous non-profit email address. Ask yourself how many cover letters do non-artists have to write to get a job?
When an actor auditions for a part, there is a 90% chance they won’t book the role, and that’s ok. It’s not about the end result, it’s about the process. When asked if we “got the part” it undermines our efforts by only focusing on the end result. Here is what we can ask instead:
How did your audition go?
How did you prepare for this audition?
What do you like about the character you were auditioning for?
It’s not uncommon for actors to beat themselves up after an audition. With so little in their control, it can be easy to focus on the negative. If you sense this, try to focus on the positive by asking a question like:
What went well?
What are you proud of?
What are you preparing for next?
While writers and directors don’t audition, they are constantly submitting their work and their ideas for consideration to work on a project or with a company. You can ask them:
What projects have you been working on lately?
What type of projects are you passionate about?
Talk about one of your favorite shows and ask them how they would interpret it.
Tell them about one of your favorite shows and ask them their opinion on the structure and effectiveness of the storytelling or writing.
“When are you going to get a real job?”
Guys, this one really hurts. The people who love us ask us these questions because they care and because they are trying to help us. That doesn’t make it any less hurtful, but understanding their intentions can help.
We have trained extensively to become specialists in our field and we get paid to perform that job. What isn’t “real” about that? Our work might be sporadic and inconsistent, and yes, it’s important to have more traditional work to sustain us during those times, but it doesn’t make the work that we do any less real than the work that non-artists do.
COVID-19 has been rough on everyone, and artists are no exception. For those of us that work in the theater, our live industry has been reduced to virtual streaming and impersonal self-tapes. A self-tape cannot replace the in-person comradery and support that came along with auditioning and a break-out room can’t replace the collaborative energy of a class or a rehearsal room. While we know it will eventually return, we don’t know what it will look like when it does and where and how we will all fit into it.
While we are masters at adapting, we don’t really know what we are adapting to right now. Some of us are considering completely changing careers. It’s important to acknowledge what a difficult position that is to be in. The community and network we have spent years building are no longer what we knew it to be and we have to navigate and create a whole new world for ourselves.
We’re trying to figure it out. We need to be reassured that we are loved and that those important to us believe in us, no matter what we decide to do. Instead of focusing on our work situation, try talking about the following:
What are you really into right now?
Where have you found a creative outlet?
If you had unlimited funds, what's the next thing you would do?
Is there a way I can support you during this time by providing a prompt, a deadline, a moment of accountability?
If you could have your dream job, what would it be?
We need to be reminded of how resilient we are, that we are loved, that those we love are proud of us and they believe in us. Sometimes a simple “How can I be supportive?” is all it takes.
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Allison Sheff is a freelance director, writer and host of the podcast Anxiety and the Artist. She received her BA in Theater from UMass Amherst, a certificate in Stage Directing from the Yale School of Drama and is an Associate Member of the SDC. www.allisonsheff.com @mssheff @anxietyandtheartist (Insta)