The Contrarian Take: How to Argue That ‘A Christmas Story’ is a Terrible Christmas Movie
Greg Ehrhardt, OnScreen Blog Columnist
‘A Christmas Story’ is objectively one of the worst Christmas movies ever made.
Do I believe this? Well in this case, I do, even though I don’t always 100% believe my contrarian takes.
Do I believe this is a ridiculously fun take to have at a Christmas party, even if someone weren’t to believe this 100%?
Well, it can be, but more on that later.
‘A Christmas Story’ is a uniquely American cinematic tradition. Everyone has seen it, everyone can recite the famous lines like their ABC’s, and there isn’t more merchandise dedicated to any other movie other than (maybe) Elf.
But here’s the thing.
It’s a bad Christmas movie, objectively so.
Now, I’m not here to convince you it’s legitimately a travesty of a movie. If you have seen it multiple times, especially from when you were young, your mind is already made up. This column is for those that need help arguing with friends or strangers at Christmas parties that this movie is bad. Also, some people just like being a contrarian (like yours truly!). Being contrarian can make any party fun. Sure, you can make boring small talk with people you don’t really have any interest in getting to know better, or you can make the same conversation you’ve had hundreds of times where you all agree ‘A Christmas Story’ is a classic. But doesn’t this get tedious after awhile? I dozed off just writing that sentence..
Seriously though, when you’re out with friends, do you really all want to be in agreement? Do you?
Or do you want to stand out and have fun playing devil’s advocate for one of the most beloved Christmas movies of all time.
The following is the contrarian’s guide to how to argue that ‘A Christmas Story’ is a terrible Christmas movie. Keep in mind, this is a guide very much like how a debate team would prep for a topic. It’s not necessarily about proving yourself right, but how you best defend yourself against the typical takes you will get that try and dismiss your argument.
Now, unlike previous Contrarian arguments I have published, I do NOT advise breaking this out at family parties (I told a story on a podcast how I almost started a huge fight on Christmas after arguing with them that this was a bad movie). Tread lightly, know your audience before breaking this out.
I would use this for work Christmas parties (as long as you are in good standing at work!), friends outings, a place where silly banter is usually accepted.
Let’s go.
Opening Argument
“Ladies and Gentlemen, we need to right a historical wrong. Movies are an important part of culture, and Christmas movies are not only of increasing importance in today’s culture, but they were instrumental to the movie industry’s early years of gaining prominence as well. Some of the great Christmas movies that we still watch today are from 70 years ago, particularly It’s a Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th Street. Why do we still watch them today? Because the messages, and the themes, are timeless, and a great, even a good movie, is good across several decades.
It's important as a society to establish a literal or virtual film vault, to pass onto future generations what we consider the gold standard of our culture. I of good conscience, and a fierce protector of the American culture, cannot let another day pass with ‘A Christmas Story’ regarded as not only one of our best Christmas movies of all time, but even, objectively a good movie.
Some of you may be shocked to hear this, and it truly brings me no joy to call a beloved movie a bad movie to its fans. Do not resort to ad hominem attacks on me, and mischaracterizations of my contentions. I aim not to say this movie should be banned from public viewing for taste. Everyone has certain movies they enjoy which are objectively bad. I myself have quite a few (note to reader :feel free to list them).
But, we must be honest to ourselves what is a good movie, and what is a bad movie, so that we take care on what we pass to future generations. And, this movie, for the good of our children, our children’s children, and our children’s children’s children, CANNOT BE LABELED A GOOD MOVIE, we must right the wrong of our ancestors, and restore the film to its proper categorization, for the good of cinema, and for the good of the United States of America.
Thank you.”
You must be upfront that it’s ok to like movies that aren’t high quality; we all have movies we love that are less than 25% on Rotten Tomatoes. Keep it framed on the argument that OBJECTIVELY, there is no way around acknowledging that ‘A Christmas Story’ is a terrible Christmas movie and has no business being in the same room as ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’, ‘Miracle on 34th Street’, etc.
You will have 3 contentions. Keep it to 3 (your audience won’t hang around longer than that, assuming they haven’t kicked you out yet)
Contention #1: This might be the worst narrator in the history of movies, documentaries, montages, etc
I recommend starting with the narrator, as you will probably get some nods even amongst die-hard fans.
Put it this way to your audience; would you want this guy to narrate your own life, under any circumstance?
Hell no!!!
Sorry, this is what we call an inconvenient truth, but Jean Shepherd as the narrator is grating, and his style is so over the top that I thought he was parodying himself? He’s wildly distracting to whatever scene setting the movie is trying to do. (Make sure to use the phrase inconvenient truth, audiences are always persuaded by that!)
Feel free to break out an exaggerated imitation of the narrator here (if its even possible to exagerate it). You should get some laughs. Laughs is good to reception to your argument, and you may need this later in making your case.
Counter argument: The narrator was trying to achieve a nostalgia for the whims and angst of childhood
Response: Great! That doesn’t mean he had to do it in a pitch and cadence that would make you throw tomatoes at him if he was doing this in your living room!
Contention #2: The movie isn’t funny?
So, humor is a tough thing to argue with a group. Everyone has slightly different senses of humor. My wife laughs at fart jokes. I laugh more at character-based humor instead of gags or one-liners. It’s difficult to argue that something is or isn’t funny.
Except for ‘A Christmas Story’. It’s objectively not funny.
(When you make this argument, use this lead-in verbatim. Practice your timing and you’ll bring the house down, maybe literally!)
The comedic aspect that struck me about this movie is most of the humor is largely negative, at other people’s expense? Are these types of jokes in the Christmas spirit?
More to the point, is it funny for anyone who is seeing this for the first time above 25 years old? Is it whimsical?
Fans seem to think the funniest line is “Fra-gee-le!”.
Really? I’m not even convinced this was funny in the 80s, never mind in 2022.
A lot of the humor is sad actually, and even racist at times. If you want to prove it, say the following lines to a person in your group in a neutral tone of voice:
“Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man”
“Of course. Santa. The big man. The head honcho. The connection.”
"Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl."
"Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double beatloaf. I hate meatloaf."
"That son of a b-tch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!"
Did any of these make your guests laugh? These were cited amongst the funniest lines of the movie according to Parade magazine.
There are some PG-13 vulgar jokes I won’t reprint here because its beneath me (and beneath you the prosecutor, make sure you mention that in your argument. Haughtiness is a key characteristic of a contrarian). But even the vulgar jokes don’t have any wit or cleverness to them. At best they were mildly shocking for the 80s, but certainly dull-tipped for 2022.
And that’s how you should round off this contention. Good Christmas movies have a timelessness to them. These jokes are certainly not funny if you’re hearing them for the first time in 2022.
Counter Argument: But “Fra-gee-lay!!” (or some other line from the movie)
Response: Look cross, let the other guests laugh, and respond “We have high-speed internet, solar panels, cell phones, and other wonders of technology, and we’re still laughing at jokes like “Fra-gee-lay”?
(Look, this is the contrarian argument where you might as well embrace your inner dick. I know it’s Christmas, but for an hour it is ok.)
Contention #3: ‘A Christmas Story’ embraces consumerism and has no Christmas spirit
This will raise some ire in your group (I warned you this contrarian argument isn’t for the squeamish), but make sure you don’t back down, for this is an important point.
‘A Christmas Story’, objectively, is a really cynical movie about Christmas.
Here are the 3 key takeaways from this movie
1) If you always nag your parents for a present, you will get it (Ask any parents in your group if that’s a lesson you want your kid to take away)
2) Everything in life is a marketing plot (this is sadly true, but again, not exactly a great Christmas theme for kids)
3) Christmas ultimately is only about presents and toys
Are any of these morals of the story heart-warming? Are these principles you want to pass onto your descendants? Is THIS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?? (Make sure you are very dramatic in saying this part, wave your limbs if you have the space to)
Counter Argument: But Christmas IS about wanting that one particular present, like the red rifle, that is the true American Christmas experience for everyone!
Response: Christmas is also about temper tantrums about demanding big expensive toys, but that doesn’t mean you make an entire movie about it!
You have now made your three contentions, but some supplemental arguments if your audience is still with you:
There is no particularly singular performance that stands out in this movie, comedic or otherwise, outside of Peter Billingslea being adorable as the main kid. Darren McGavin is a deep cut for those that go back 60 years in cinema, but otherwise, most of these actors the layman has never seen in anything recognizable since this movie.
Compare this movie directly with other Christmas classics (Elf, Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Carol etc). Is there any debate which movies are better Christmas movies?
There is a wildly unrealistic age gap in the father and mother (17 years!! McGavin was 61 years old, Melinda Dillon was 44 years old). Go on a rant about how these age gaps perpetuate the sexism that is still far too rampant in society today, partially thanks to movies like ‘A Christmas Story’.
Closing Argument
Truth be told, I’ve made this argument to friends and in-laws. I could never get a single person to budge an inch that this wasn’t one of the great cinematic Christmas classics. ‘A Christmas Story’ is like a religion to its devotees. So, I will be frank, persuasion will be hard here. I wouldn’t waste much time summarizing your arguments because they have probably been tuned out.
If you have anyone on the fence, I would simply juxtapose the following scenes from Christmas classics against these scenes from ‘A Christmas Story’, and then dramatically rest your case.
For the rest of your audience, break out your narrator imitation from contention #1 and narrate everything your friends or family are doing the rest of the night. Once they tell you you are being annoying, dramatically state
“I rest my case”
You may not have persuaded a single person, but you did God’s work in advocating for true Christmas classics and arguing for cynical, non-amusing movies like ‘A Christmas Story’ to take their place amongst other bad Christmas movies like ‘Jingle All The Way’, ‘Four Christmases’, and ‘Deck The Halls’. Just remember to tell your friends you don’t want them to shoot their own eye out by spending another precious second watching a terrible Christmas movie.